I’m Getting Old – Expect Expletives!

When I was six I was thrown from a horse for the first time and didn’t even get a scratch. When I was sixteen I was all district defensive tackle and never so much as sprained an ankle. When I was twenty-six, I boxed three men in one night and only got a pill sized bruise on the side of my nose. At 36 I flipped my motorcycle, bent the bars back into place with my bare hands, and then road 8 hours back home. Thursday I will turn 46. This morning I bent over and my back went out for absolutely no F*&%ing reason… I don’t have words for how old I feel.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

George Burns

I currently have tendinitis that I am pretty sure was caused by my 32oz Yeti Cup (sad but true). All last week I had a pulled muscle just under my shoulder blade from sleeping wrong. That’s right, I hurt myself lying in bed where most people go to recover from injuries. Now my lower back is out from a freak shoe tying injury. I don’t really consider 46 old but in the words of Indian Jones, “It ain’t the years, it’s the mileage.”

Well no point complaining about my aches… if my co-workers are any indication, none of you want to stay in the room while I cry either.

Moving On:

I’m due for a midlife crisis but I got a great wife, a new truck, and I don’t care what color my hair turns as long as it doesn’t turn loose. Just the same, I’m a work in progress and could use a change.

Most people I know don’t make New Year’s Resolutions… apparently everyone around me is F^&%ing perfect.

I actually take stock of my life three times a year. New Year’s, Lent, and my birthday. While I’m too afraid of God to break Lent, I break 70% of my other resolutions on regular basis but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp. Besides, in a glass is half full sort of way, I improve myself 30% of the time.

Birthdays are a great time to re-evaluate your life and make improvements. In the words of Mary Theresa Schmich, “The race is long and in the end it is only with yourself.” So here are my goals for this next 12 months.

  • Kayak the 2,348 mile length of the Mississippi River
  • Write a best selling novel
  • Open a bed and breakfast
  • Patent an Invention
  • Learn French
  • Kill a bear and have sex on it’s tanned pelt!

Just kidding… Let’s reel that sh!t in a bit, shall we?

  • Get a better job.
  • Increase my beehives to 100
  • Build/Grow a raised bed garden
  • Start a YouTube channel
  • Remodel my house
  • Loose 50 pounds

Not an amazing list but obtainable… let’s face it, when your back is out, you don’t make Mt Everest type resolutions.

Well friends, I’ll wrap it up there. It’s been 4 hours since I took my last dose of Ibuprofen, so that means its time for me to go hide in the bathroom and have a cry. Tune in next week for my consumer’s report on the best old people’s ointments to mix with red wine.

21 Comments Add yours

  1. Funny, brilliant and sobering truth. Great post. Iโ€™m following.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mary B says:

    I am still laughing. At 68 I am feeling every kick, bite, buck, rolled over on and foot stomped my horse ever gave me in my 20โ€™s ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Irene says:

    I wish you a Happy Birthday! for Thursday, and hope your back will be much better by then. Pretty impressive resolutions, but the fictitious and the real ones!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The truth and nothinโ€™ but the truth!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. lfish64 says:

    I love your writing style, very fun and feel like we have been friends for years.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bryan Layton says:

      And for many years to come. Thanks for reading Ifish64

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Linda Vernon says:

    Your writing is a breath of fresh air (but not on loose hair hopefully).

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Gonna be 46? I’m 75. You got no clue as to what lies down the highway. But you will.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bryan Layton says:

      You can’t scare me!

      Like

  8. GP Cox says:

    haha, I needed a chuckle today – thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Wishing you a speedy recovery mate! Well, you will have to recover before you can paddle down the Mississippi ๐Ÿ˜‰ Had a good laugh – especially about the bear ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  10. anne leueen says:

    Entertaining post. I am 70 and to be honest I dont have as may aches as you seem to have. I have had two hips replaced and they work well and are pain free. I take supplements for joints. i go to the gym and I ride my horse 5 days a week. So ….fear not….. you can also survive and thrive well into your elder years. And I don’t do New Years Resolutions either. Eff those!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Rivergirl says:

    Very relatable…. she says from her ever advancing age. Things started to go downhill for me at 50, and now at 55…. I fear my youth has fled. The only thing I have to look forward to now are the senior citizen discounts.
    ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bryan Layton says:

      I think you are really underselling that senior citizen discount! Besides, I love to eat at 5pm. All kidding aside, check out this website https://www.dealnews.com/features/discounts/senior-discounts/

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rivergirl says:

        No. I refuse to click the link until I look and feel old enough to rate them. Itโ€™s the principle, donโ€™t you know..
        ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Bryan Layton says:

        LOL… my wife has the same twisted principles. Not me… bring on the free sh!t!

        Liked by 1 person

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